because the web sucks

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Your Post Only Makes You Look Stupid

Have you ever had the chance to go to a forum that is quite popular? Ever get tired of hearing the same old arguments? Here's the types of people you encounter:

-The know-nothing know-it-all:
You can recognize these assholes by their posts in forums and across the web in some poor guy's comment section. You know what I'm talking about; the guy who always has to chime in and make some ludicrous statement that either A) Can't be proven - or - B) Is factually wrong.

-The Dick-tionary
This cock has a handy desk reference dictionary sitting right next to his jizz towel and lube. He'll be the first one to point out your misspellings but the last one to offer anything of substance

-The Logic Fucktard
These people are sometimes fun to watch. Most of them took a semester of logic or philosophy and decide that it is their god-given duty to turn everything you say into a fallacy. You can recognize these assholes by the choice of words "ad-hominum" or "straw-man" in conjunction with the word "argument". Most of them really don't know anything beyond those two types of fallacies since they aren't sure what to look for on Wikipedia. Thanks guys - but most of us majored in something that would get us employment rather than a degree in liberal fucking arts.

-Mr. Me Too
Again, this person offers anything short of substance in a discussion and tends to recycle or re-hash either what everyone else said or the most frequently spewed arguments. Similar to the Know-it-all Know-nothing but can hardly present any argument of his own.

- The cNet "This is news?" Asshat
There is always one post in the comments section on cNet in almost every debatable article stating "This is news?" Ironically, the section this happens in most often is in the "blog" section where authors are stating their OPINIONS. It is almost as if there is some secret club where they have a competition to see who can make themselves look like the biggest idiot. When I find this club, I'm going to take a chainsaw to their hands and leave them with bloody stumps.

-Everything Is Corporate Greed Guy
I want to smack these shitbags the hardest. They tend to turn everything into an debate about the corporate machine and corporate this and corporate that. What they won't tell you is that they punch a clock at one of these corporations and have no problem taking the fucking paycheck and contributing to what they claim to hate. Seriously - if they have that much time to go on tirades about corporate power and greed, I don't think "the man" is exploiting these douchebags enough. I would sentence these guys to losing half their pay and doubling their hours just to make them really feel what "the man" can do to them.

-Bible Thumper Signature Sluts
I don't have a problem with religion. Well... actually I do. But you go believe what you want to and I'll keep to myself. With that, wipe that smug, shitty bible verse off of your signature line. No one really gives a shit that you are a Christian nor do we give a shit what the bible says about whatever it is you're trying to get at. Save the service for Sunday when you can forget about all of the stupid shit you did last week.

Dumb Fucking Hippies

The last fucking thing I want to hear out of anyone's mouth about technology is: "hmmm.... is it clean?" I will take toothpicks and jam them under the fingers of any asshole whoever says this to my face. I swear to god I will take a gian shit in a fucking styrofoam cup and wrap it in the fucking skin of a baby seal. I will then take that cup of shit in seal skin and fat and set it on fire in your electric car. Once I'm done setting fire to all of the plastic in your car, unloading tons of noxious chemicals into the air, I'm going to put the car in neutral, smash your head into the pavement and use it to hold the car in place on a very steep hill. But this won't be any hill - it will have a huge pile of tires at the bottom doused in a highly flammable liquids. Above the tire pile will be spotted owls tied to tethers. If you move your fucking head, you will set fire to the tire pile and burn the spotted owls alive. Is it clean? I don't give a fuck.