because the web sucks

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Technojargon (or how to market old shit as new)

Amongst the many other things that annoy the living piss out of me is the sheer volume of utterly useless words and jargon pumped out by the technology crowd. Half the time it is dumped out by some asshole who sits in a marketing department trying to figure out how to create a conference for their shitty consulting company to make more money selling their useless services.

For example, let's take some old technology, like JavaScript, use a specific subset of old technology that has bean around for a while and throw in some other old technology, like HTML, and add even some more old technology, like a scripting language, in the background to handle request from the JavaScript on the HTML page. But we need to sell a conference or at least establish that our worthless company is the best at using this technology.

The market is crowded with assholes who know JavaScript and HTML. But if we rebrand it, like as in AJAX, then we have this virtual market cornered. We become the AJAX gods on the mountain and now we can hold a conference, publish some books and make employers look even more stupid when they say you need experience with AJAX when they really mean you need experience with JavaScript, HTML and a dash of scripting thrown in to boot.

But don't worry. As soon as you establish the AJAX kingdom, we need to start throwing more words in to deal with old shit.... like Web 2.0.

Wikipedia definition of web 2.0:
Web 2.0 is a term often applied to a perceived ongoing transition of the World Wide Web from a collection of websites to a full-fledged computing platform serving web applications to end users. Ultimately Web 2.0 services are expected to replace desktop computing applications for many purposes. --

Oh. I think that makes it a little bit more clear. Replace desktop computing applications for many purposes..... Let's see, that must make accessing email through a web interface "Web 2.0". And those calendar apps that have been flying around on the web for a few years - must be 'Web 2.0'.

You know. I'm just going to start doing the same thing with non-Internet related stuff. I'm "Man 2.0" with a complete "Cock 2.0" that outputs "Shit 2.0". Before we really consider adding more jargon to the technojunkie lexicon, I believe that all words should be put through committee vote to assess whether it is truly a word to describe something new or just a marketing ruse used to sell hotel space for a convention. If it doesn't pass committee, we take you out and shoot you and the hybrid vehicle you rode in on.

Neither Lanugae Sucks - You Do

If there is anything that pisses me off more about programming language-specific forums and message boards, it is the occasional argument of why 'x' language is better than 'y' language. It is about the most useless and annoying series of geekish feuding that exists.

I tend to peruse forums semi-regularly to stay up-to-date on software and technology and I just loathe seeing the thread that is just instigating a textual fight over the asinine.

As an example, I was recently perusing some developer forums (sun java) where someone felt the need to be so bold as to put forth the idea that PHP was as good as Java for web programming. What flew out of the mouths on both sides of the argument was just short of utter stupidity. A php guy was claiming things and yet obviously had no comprehension of Java. Java guys were throwing around arguments that showed absolutely no comprehension of PHP. It is pathetic - but it is a scene played out all over the web.

So, to put all of the bullshit to rest, the right answer is: The best language is the one that is chosen to be used - period. For the retarded amongst you - this means that I say use whatever language you want to use - it really doesn't matter..... at all..... end of story. No more boring and innacurate arguments over the merits of flaws of a language, no more boring and innacurate arguments over "scalability", no more boring and innacurate arguments about the finer points of a given syntax - just shut the fuck up and program.

Next time you even think about starting a thread about why 'x' language is better than or worse than 'y' language, remember the title of this post.

F*ck You And Your Hype Too

Let's call this blog a little lesson in hype deflation. No one is safe. No one is right - except me. Have a problem with that? I don't really care. Want to piss and moan about something I said? Feel free - I probably won't respond but I do reserve the right to post all communications to the blog.