because the web sucks

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Your Post Only Makes You Look Stupid

Have you ever had the chance to go to a forum that is quite popular? Ever get tired of hearing the same old arguments? Here's the types of people you encounter:

-The know-nothing know-it-all:
You can recognize these assholes by their posts in forums and across the web in some poor guy's comment section. You know what I'm talking about; the guy who always has to chime in and make some ludicrous statement that either A) Can't be proven - or - B) Is factually wrong.

-The Dick-tionary
This cock has a handy desk reference dictionary sitting right next to his jizz towel and lube. He'll be the first one to point out your misspellings but the last one to offer anything of substance

-The Logic Fucktard
These people are sometimes fun to watch. Most of them took a semester of logic or philosophy and decide that it is their god-given duty to turn everything you say into a fallacy. You can recognize these assholes by the choice of words "ad-hominum" or "straw-man" in conjunction with the word "argument". Most of them really don't know anything beyond those two types of fallacies since they aren't sure what to look for on Wikipedia. Thanks guys - but most of us majored in something that would get us employment rather than a degree in liberal fucking arts.

-Mr. Me Too
Again, this person offers anything short of substance in a discussion and tends to recycle or re-hash either what everyone else said or the most frequently spewed arguments. Similar to the Know-it-all Know-nothing but can hardly present any argument of his own.

- The cNet "This is news?" Asshat
There is always one post in the comments section on cNet News.com in almost every debatable article stating "This is news?" Ironically, the section this happens in most often is in the "blog" section where authors are stating their OPINIONS. It is almost as if there is some secret club where they have a competition to see who can make themselves look like the biggest idiot. When I find this club, I'm going to take a chainsaw to their hands and leave them with bloody stumps.

-Everything Is Corporate Greed Guy
I want to smack these shitbags the hardest. They tend to turn everything into an debate about the corporate machine and corporate this and corporate that. What they won't tell you is that they punch a clock at one of these corporations and have no problem taking the fucking paycheck and contributing to what they claim to hate. Seriously - if they have that much time to go on tirades about corporate power and greed, I don't think "the man" is exploiting these douchebags enough. I would sentence these guys to losing half their pay and doubling their hours just to make them really feel what "the man" can do to them.

-Bible Thumper Signature Sluts
I don't have a problem with religion. Well... actually I do. But you go believe what you want to and I'll keep to myself. With that, wipe that smug, shitty bible verse off of your signature line. No one really gives a shit that you are a Christian nor do we give a shit what the bible says about whatever it is you're trying to get at. Save the service for Sunday when you can forget about all of the stupid shit you did last week.

Dumb Fucking Hippies

The last fucking thing I want to hear out of anyone's mouth about technology is: "hmmm.... is it clean?" I will take toothpicks and jam them under the fingers of any asshole whoever says this to my face. I swear to god I will take a gian shit in a fucking styrofoam cup and wrap it in the fucking skin of a baby seal. I will then take that cup of shit in seal skin and fat and set it on fire in your electric car. Once I'm done setting fire to all of the plastic in your car, unloading tons of noxious chemicals into the air, I'm going to put the car in neutral, smash your head into the pavement and use it to hold the car in place on a very steep hill. But this won't be any hill - it will have a huge pile of tires at the bottom doused in a highly flammable liquids. Above the tire pile will be spotted owls tied to tethers. If you move your fucking head, you will set fire to the tire pile and burn the spotted owls alive. Is it clean? I don't give a fuck.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Technojargon (or how to market old shit as new)

Amongst the many other things that annoy the living piss out of me is the sheer volume of utterly useless words and jargon pumped out by the technology crowd. Half the time it is dumped out by some asshole who sits in a marketing department trying to figure out how to create a conference for their shitty consulting company to make more money selling their useless services.

For example, let's take some old technology, like JavaScript, use a specific subset of old technology that has bean around for a while and throw in some other old technology, like HTML, and add even some more old technology, like a scripting language, in the background to handle request from the JavaScript on the HTML page. But we need to sell a conference or at least establish that our worthless company is the best at using this technology.

The market is crowded with assholes who know JavaScript and HTML. But if we rebrand it, like as in AJAX, then we have this virtual market cornered. We become the AJAX gods on the mountain and now we can hold a conference, publish some books and make employers look even more stupid when they say you need experience with AJAX when they really mean you need experience with JavaScript, HTML and a dash of scripting thrown in to boot.

But don't worry. As soon as you establish the AJAX kingdom, we need to start throwing more words in to deal with old shit.... like Web 2.0.


Wikipedia definition of web 2.0:
Web 2.0 is a term often applied to a perceived ongoing transition of the World Wide Web from a collection of websites to a full-fledged computing platform serving web applications to end users. Ultimately Web 2.0 services are expected to replace desktop computing applications for many purposes. --


Oh. I think that makes it a little bit more clear. Replace desktop computing applications for many purposes..... Let's see, that must make accessing email through a web interface "Web 2.0". And those calendar apps that have been flying around on the web for a few years - must be 'Web 2.0'.

You know. I'm just going to start doing the same thing with non-Internet related stuff. I'm "Man 2.0" with a complete "Cock 2.0" that outputs "Shit 2.0". Before we really consider adding more jargon to the technojunkie lexicon, I believe that all words should be put through committee vote to assess whether it is truly a word to describe something new or just a marketing ruse used to sell hotel space for a convention. If it doesn't pass committee, we take you out and shoot you and the hybrid vehicle you rode in on.

Neither Lanugae Sucks - You Do

If there is anything that pisses me off more about programming language-specific forums and message boards, it is the occasional argument of why 'x' language is better than 'y' language. It is about the most useless and annoying series of geekish feuding that exists.

I tend to peruse forums semi-regularly to stay up-to-date on software and technology and I just loathe seeing the thread that is just instigating a textual fight over the asinine.

As an example, I was recently perusing some developer forums (sun java) where someone felt the need to be so bold as to put forth the idea that PHP was as good as Java for web programming. What flew out of the mouths on both sides of the argument was just short of utter stupidity. A php guy was claiming things and yet obviously had no comprehension of Java. Java guys were throwing around arguments that showed absolutely no comprehension of PHP. It is pathetic - but it is a scene played out all over the web.

So, to put all of the bullshit to rest, the right answer is: The best language is the one that is chosen to be used - period. For the retarded amongst you - this means that I say use whatever language you want to use - it really doesn't matter..... at all..... end of story. No more boring and innacurate arguments over the merits of flaws of a language, no more boring and innacurate arguments over "scalability", no more boring and innacurate arguments about the finer points of a given syntax - just shut the fuck up and program.

Next time you even think about starting a thread about why 'x' language is better than or worse than 'y' language, remember the title of this post.

F*ck You And Your Hype Too

Let's call this blog a little lesson in hype deflation. No one is safe. No one is right - except me. Have a problem with that? I don't really care. Want to piss and moan about something I said? Feel free - I probably won't respond but I do reserve the right to post all communications to the blog.